Why can't I get laid?

Thanks for the question Geekman! I'll try my best to help you out with your problem.
There are three main categories that break down the possibilities of you getting some much needed booty.

The first is what I'm titling Her initiating. This is when you have very little to nothing to do with her wanting to sleep with you. For this to happen I suggest frequenting the bar scene, lowering your standards and drinking heavily. It's encouraged that you bring a large ammount of cash with you for getting them drunk. Also seek out the unsightly women such as the obvious sluts, along with the obese women who is a "friend" to some of the more attractive females. Both will be particuallarly eager to have sex with you to fill the void in their souls that their abusive or unloving fathers left. Take advantage of these opportunites.

The second option is titled You initiating. For this you need to do several things. Start dressing sharper, clean yourself thoroughly, put on some cologne, make yourself appealing to the opposite sex. Do not under any circumstances mention that you are familiar with UNIX, Linux, or any other coding. Don't mention any comics. Don't mention video games. LET HER DO THE TALKING. Nod your head, agree with her and keep asking questions. If all of these things come together in that rare gleaming moment and you get her back to your place (which I will hope you have cleaned) you need to set the mood with some music. Here are some suggestions: D'Angelo the king of neo-soul music. If you can't get some to this music something is seriously wrong. If you prefer to go the mixtape route I give you the


1. Biggie - "One More Chance Remix"
2. Mos Def - "Ms. Fat Booty"
3. Musiq - "Just Friends (Sunny)"
4. Raphael Saadiq feat. D'Angelo - "Be Here"
5. Common - "The Light"
6. Lauryn Hill - "Ex-Factor"
7. Rahzel feat. Black Thought - "Suga Sista"
8. De La Soul - "Special"
9. Slum Village - "Tainted"
10. Latryx - "Lady Don't Tek No"

You should be getting busy by track 6, the remaining songs are for some non-distracting and non-threatening background music with beats you can move to. Put in some non-descript and non-mood shattering music in the changer for after TheMixCD to avoid any sudden silence, such as some Dave Matthews. If you can't make it work to this I suggest priesthood because celibacy is going to be much less disheartening for you as you go through life, or you can go to the next section because I have nothing for you.

The last choice for you is if neither of the above options have worked for you. With a name like Geekman I'll assume this is needed, but I don't condone it. You initiating through her unconsciousness. Inside this category there are three choices.

1. For this option you will need a large and heavy object. You may need a friend to assist you in carrying the object if your muscles have atrophied too much from all those nights you've spent at your computer, but I'm going to assume that you've kept at least your right arm in shape from "excercise". Come up behind your potential hookup and bop her upside the head with said object. You need to have patience with this option as it's very obvious to anyone around you when you smash someone with a frying pan or a large tree trunk. I recommend that you invite that girl that you have no chance with to help you with something she has interest in, maybe suggest that she help you redecorate your living room. Point to your window and ask a question like "what type of drapes would help accentuate the rest of the room"? When she turns to look do what must be done.

2 and 3. These last two options are drugs and I can't recommend trying them, but if you are an absolutely hideous beast I guess these are your only chances. Date rape drugs refer to any drug that can be used to assist in the commission of a sexual assault (date rape). These drugs commonly have sedative, hypnotic, dissociative, and/or amnesiac affects, and, when used to facilitate rape, are often added to a food or drink without the victim's knowledge. Most date rape drugs are illegal drugs. I'm not going to go into any of the choices, but if you choose this the only one I can suggest is what is typically referred to as the Spanish fly. I only suggest it because of the Beastie Boys reference and the fact that I find it amusing. Spanish fly has a long history of use such as in the 1670s, Spanish fly was mixed with dried moles and bat's blood for a love charm made by the black magician La Voisin. It was slipped into the food of Louis XIV to secure the king's lust for Madame de Montespan. In the 18th century Marquis de Sade is claimed to have given aniseed-flavored pastilles that were laced with Spanish fly to prostitutes at an orgy in 1772. To say it's a powerful aphrodisiac would be an understatement.

Hopefully one of those options will be successful for you Geekman. Thanks again for the question.